The maid of honor just puked.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
MIDGETS
????
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
