Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
