so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
