At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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