can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
