Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
