I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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