I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
