We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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