just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
