My hand turned me down
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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