I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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