I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
