All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
