Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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