You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
