the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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