May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
