Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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