it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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