You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
