using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
