i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
