i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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