Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
