I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
