I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
