Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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