i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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