Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's blow job season.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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