Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
