he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
