More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
