so explain again why im purple
no
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
