i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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