billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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