Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
