I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
