i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
