I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
