you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
