On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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