I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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