I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
