my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
