Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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