One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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