Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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