if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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