Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In other news, I just burned my penis
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Randomize
