I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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