I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
